*ahem* I believe the term Laura used was "feed the homeless", but that's what we went off to do Friday evening, down to Skid Row. I was a bit frightened at first because Laura made those hobos sound craaaazy ghetto, but it was actually really fun. Well, maybe "fun" is the wrong word, but it was definitely very worth going.

I find it interesting--and I feel a little guilty for noting this--that other than some of the homeless, me and Laura were the only white people; that is, the sociology professor whose class Laura is in who got some students to do this is Asian, all the church members and pastor were black, and at least two thirds of the homeless were black and hispanic. Not that I was particularly conscious of that, but it just seems interesting, now that I come to think of it...

Laura is so impatient though! Pushing and pushing those plates of stew before I'm ready to hand them off to people! Well, at least everyone who got in line got fed, which is the point, right?

And then, afterwards, we decided to stick around for the apparently customary post-feeding prayer-circle. Y'know, I've realized that I'm one of those people that can be moved by the emotion of religion, but I just can't make that personal connection with God. I'm just too individualistic... Like, maybe it's my trust issues that make me depend so much on myself, and maybe that's not healthy? God help the first person who gets into a real relationship with me...

Speaking of comparing God to relationships, this band, Flyleaf, is rumored to be Christian, but even if these songs are about God, their pure rock awesomeness makes up for it (but then again, I have a great respect for the right kind of Christians, and you can't deny they're interesting). Though I must admit, the lead singer *does* look a little crazy when she's performing. I guess she's getting transported? Aaaaanyways...

Their videos have pretty good production values... Or maybe you think they're cheesy:
"I Am So Sick" is a fairly typical rock video, but "All Around Me" has walls that bleed paint, and  "Fully Alive" has cemetery statues breaking apart into sunlight. Take a gander... or if you don't, I'm sure I'll continue to do so...;P

So, I was just reading a very interesting post by 

docbriteon her recent confirmation... And thinking about Catholicism and religion in general...

I suppose religion is a both a very complicated and very uncomplicated thing for me. I mean, I didn't grow up religious, and my own brief experiment in Christianity back in the day was marred by the fact that I didn't really believe in God. And I didn't want Jesus in my heart.

Religion seems very social and, well, I'm very individualistic. Selfish. I want some things just for me. I didn't want to give my heart to God; He may exist just in the patriarchal role some Christians believe. I prefer to believe God is a Woman, and that Eve is a heroine--I mean, I'd rather have knowledge than bliss, so you can understand that.

And the Virgin Mary makes a better sacrificial figure for me, in that she did nothing but sacrifice, as a woman, as a mother, as a wife. Tool of the patriarchy? It's still admirable... she self-effaced herself for others, always did everything for the good of others. Did it strip her of her individuality? If I'm making a purely patriarchal analysis of Christianity, yes. But I prefer a feminist reclamation so...

But religion is interesting. And of course, I wouldn't want this to be taken as any sort of condemnation of Christianity. It isn't. A lot of wonderful people I know are Christians. It can give you strength. It can be a good thing, just like Jesus wanted.

 

But... maybe I am a Baudelairean at heart. Art as religion. The Poet as an almost godlike figure. Except, not really.

I suppose what I mean, is my religion is like the opposite... not trying to find strength in others, but isn't that the aim of the poet, to help others find strength in their individuality? Very egocentric, yes, but didn't I say I was selfish?

Though, it is like finding strength in others--opening your heart; prayer and confession. You don't need a God, in my mind.

I just really love Catholic imagery. Dante and the Divine Comedy (and not just the seven circles of hell, but that whole thing with the stars at the end); seven virtues and vices (see Keys to the Kingdom); the sacraments (see name of hometown); all those saints and all that art and all that liturgy.

If I were to be religious, I'd prolly be a Catholic. That is, if I felt I needed God's forgiveness.

How blasphemous, no? But didn't I say I was individualistic? In the extreme. All I care about in the end is that I can forgive myself, that I can control my own destiny. I dislike the idea of someone else having control over me. In the end, it may be true, but no one can ever tell me what to think, y'know? So if God wants to damn me to hell, I dare him. I'll be cursing his cruelty all the while I'm burning.

See, the Virgin Mary wouldn't do that. And obviously I have scewed notions. Screw it. They're mine.

And that's me. I respect, even admire, Christians. But I can never be one of them, for these reasons. I'm full of sin, but it's also who I am. So, I have to politely (ha!) disagree, and we should just find a way to not just go our separate ways, but have an understanding of each other.

***

Anywho, listened to podcast of Garth Nix reading prologue and first few pages of "Superior Saturday". After my recent revelation of his dastardly use of religious imagery, he comes out with this revelation: the Madam of the Upper House is building a literal Tower of Babel to try and literally invade the Incomparable Gardens (aka: heaven) and usurp Lord Sunday. She was apparently the first creation of the Architect and feels she should rightfully be in charge. Obviously the sin she suffers from is Pride. Oh, and did I mention the things holding up the Incomparable Gardens are four Dreissel trees straight out of Norse myth? They grow faster than she can build, pushing the Incomparable Gardens upward... Je l'aime!

Oh, and Arthur has now officially started his irreversible transition from mortal to Denizen (higher being). I knew after last book that he would inevitably have to do this to triumph in the end. Because it's a theme with my guy Nix: duty before desire. Arthur wants to return to his normal life, but he owes the simple fact of living now to this power he's coming under, which got rid of his asthma. And anyway, I think he can overcome this notion he has of Denizens as "monsters".

Meanwhile, Leaf remains our Everywoman. *pets*

The weekend's going to be intense, I can tell it! Book comes out in July! Yowza!

 Scene: Upper Quad.

Action: Andy is on his way to dinner; is cut off by Azns with pamphlets.

A: Do you have a few minutes?
M: For what?
A: We're preaching the gospel.
M: I'm sorry, I'm a heretic and a blasphemer, so I think talking to me would just make you angry.

Exeunt.

***

This, to me, is the biggest sign that I've grown up since 2005--I have finally mastered how to say no to gospelers, even without a door!

(I think the turning around that *I* would make *them* angry with my blasphemes is particularly brilliant--next time the Jehovah's come, y'all should try just saying, "Fuck God" right in their faces! ^_^)

*Yeah, I live to be offensive. ;P

Had my group presentation on Chile today--the general consensus: I talk too much, but it's funny. I just knew so much! I wanted to share the information! But, supposedly, I was supposed to be concluding, so I think I was pretty coy with it... Amia had to touch my arm and eventually take up the conclusion, so it was kinda flubby. Norden didn't seem too disapproving, but I still think it's another B performance. Oh well; at least this time I didn't stand in front of anybody and I looked forward most of the time. *le sigh*

Lecture was very interesting, with a digression about wikipedia. Now, we all know teh wiki is mind crack, but Norden's jiff is that it's prolly all wrong information. I don't necessarily agree with this--my problem is there's not *enough* info. But I do treat everything with a grain of salt... I would never dare cite wikipedia, and use other, legitimate sources to corroborate the info there before I take it to heart.

We're now going from gender to religion--Catholicism, ho! Now, the revelation of the marianismo culture has been clarifying for me. It's official: I'm a marianist. Mariologist. The Cult of the Virgin, pretty much. Most people fell asleep during the documentary on the mix of Catholicism, paganism, and social justice in Brazil, but I found it quite interesting.

Now, those pentecoastals are pretty presumptuous, in my opinion, making overt commands of God and stressing the fact that God's presence must be felt. Catholocism *is* dry, very theological, but I like that about it. I distrust evangelical emotion; it can be blinding, deceitful, and lead to mob mentality. Plus, I just like Latin and ritual. :P The idea of a highly educated priest appeals to me.

But I deny a patriarchal Christianity. It would not be going too far to say I have created my own radicalized version of it that stresses matriarchy and pantheism; my Virgin Mary prolly has more in common with the Earth Mother than anything. The idea of a deity who represents purity, selflessness, kindness--a kind of welcoming mother, y'know? This may be tied to the fact that I feel a disconnection with my own mother.

My own mother was always the breadwinner, and I was closer to her when I was younger--but as I entered adolescence I became more resentful of her passive, victim-hood attitude. So I'm not looking for a martyr--but someone who understands me. The traditional Madonna is a very passive figure, but I think my reimagining of her is decidely more feminist. But I do concur with that overwhelming kindness and unconditional acceptance and forgiveness that I think the Holy Mother encompasses.

Supposedly, Jesus Christ is supposed to represent this, but... I believe in saving myself. The Virgin does not save--she simply forgives. This can lead to escaping from self-forgiveness and actual repentance, but I think she can serve as a base from which to build that. It's important to have someone love and support you, the kind of thing where they're a silent figure, and it's really up to you to do the hard work.

I don't know if this makes any sense... but just for those of you who wanted a little insight into my obssession with the Virgin Mary.

***

Anywho, spent the past hour hooking up the new headphones in the language lab. Can you believe there are only *two* left from last semester? People keep on stealing them. I suspect the WoW crowd, personally, because they have those little microphone things (which I think are stupid, but there you go). I am going to make a big sign that reads: PLEASE DO NOT STEAL THE HEADPHONES. 

The Mystery of the Stolen Headphones... I can make so many creative representations of that...

***

Oh, the good soft serve was also back in the cafeteria. It comes randomly and goes. It's smoother and richer and by far the best thing in the T.I. It made me a happy Andy today.

And that's about all for now... Oh, there's another HUGE development, but I'll save that for until I know more...;P

Well, I'm just gonna skip too so the numbers line up... it's been bothering me.

Anywho, yesterday I sent off a letter (finally) to my Aunt, the Woman of Steele, only to find that she had already sent me a letter. So I still need to get off the official reply to *that*, today.

I also received a package from

unwoman, filled, not only as promised, the postcards, but a copy of the cd! ^_^ A review shall thus be forthcoming, and I can return the stole KPoet copy. XP (I was only borrowing it for the weekend, swear!)

Well, my door is now covered with flyers for the Feminist Club and BBC, one such postcard, and a paper cross.

Y'know, even though O'Connor has recently made me reflect on Christianity, I seem to connect the image of the cross in my mind, not with Jesus Christ, but with the Holy Mother. Maybe I've just got "Stabat Mater" stuck in my head...>__>

 

 

Temple last night was interesting. Prayers and singing in Hebrew, jumped me a little, but I think I could get the hang of it. But it reminded me of why I'm not exactly religious, for the most part. As I was reading the English translation on the left, I just couldn't help but realize I don't believe in God.

Now, this is not to say I'm an atheist (though that may be closer); a lot of people need to believe in some higher power, and that's great for them. So maybe I'm just egotistical, but I don't feel I really need anything other than myself. There is of course other people, but is it fatalistic to say that in the end all you really have is yourself? It seems to me as if no two human beings every *really* understand each other?

Maybe it's just my own messed-up experience, I dunno. But community seems important; I guess I've just never had it... *chews*

At any rate, did I tell you this yet? Kyrah (who lives at the other end of STauffer, on the girls' side), is still royally pissed-off at me because I let slip to one Eric that she liked him. Apparently, this is a huge betrayal.

Now, this may sound like an excuse or defense, but here's how I feel about it:
1. Though she did ask me not to say anything to him, it didn't feel like a confidence. This was a general discussion as all of us were hanging out, and talked about in a half-joking way.
2. Thus, I never would have said anything if I really felt it would hurt her or was forbidden information. She seemed positively heart-broken, which shocked me, and knowing me, you can guess my reaction.
3. I have rarely felt so much like curling up and dying, as I'm sure she did. I have never meant 'sorry' so sorely. But, apparently, I am supposed to repeat these "I'm sorry's" indefinitely to get her forgiveness.
4. I refuse to do this; if my most sincere, contrite apology isn't good enough for her, screw it. She is being entirely sullen about it, I think. Everytime we pass each other now, she seems like the very sight of me mortifies her, as if I really have betrayed her.

Now, I know it doesn't really justify my actions, but it's getting me pissed off. It was a stupid thing, and this is some high-school shit that is distracting from what's more important. I came here to go to school, not have to deal with childish shit. Over a stupid guy; chances are, he'll even forget all this by next year, if he hasn't already.

Also, she's hanging out with him woppdydo. Am I being punished because I can't be trusted to keep my mouth shut? I'm not allowed to learn my lesson and try and prove myself?

Fuck it. God, I'm so pissed-off. I'm not even sure why. As you all know, I'm not used to social situations, so I guess I'm just feeling like I don't want anything to do with people in general. I dunno. Counsel me, please.