So, in Philosophy today, almost everything Switzer was summarizing about Kant's moral theory got me thinking about the altercation with Zach on Friday night... I wondered if he was feeling that, or if he does not feel any moral conundrum. In which case, Cat is right, and he *is* a fucktard.

Of particular relevance is what Kant says about the "dignity" of a person, as coming from our "good will", and that in deciding if something is moral, you ask if it is compromising the dignity of another--i.e. their worthiness to be happy.

Why I got so mad about it? I thought I was long past the point where someone could take my dignity from me--but it happens again and again and I'll have to change my approach towards protecting that, or otherwise not showing or letting others see that they *can*. Which is why my reaction was bad; just givin' ammunition.

I mean, it's not like he outright insulted me. Just letting me know that I'm succeeding in my aim: "When people first meet you, they think you're a girl." The part that bothers me is the one that came before: "There's so many ways/things I could make fun of you for." Pardon me? What got me angry was even the thought that this lame-ass motherfucker could *ever* think he was better than me.

Just a random musing. I'm less angry about it now, but I just wanted to look at why I got angry and how I could change my approach to this problem. Because my tone when I lashed back at him was exactly that I've used when flailing against my father. And we all know *that* never worked. So why do I feel so threatened?

Ah. Yes. Teh gay thing. The fact that these third floor punks apparently don't know what to make of me.

Of course, as Cat says, maybe they're just jealous, because I do "manage to hang out with so many girls". *shrug* It's open to interpretation. 

I feel it necessary to add:

This horrible feeling I have in my stomach of shame?

It's humility.

I guess the teenage years I needed to think I was the shit to rise above the people who were mistreating me; now I guess the twenties will be about learning some *actual HONEST TO GOD* humility.

It hurts, oh Virgin Mary, you didn't tell me it hurt so bad! XD

*not taking self too seriously* 

So, it seems as if my life is coming full circle.

Remember when I transcribed Garth Nix's first novel "Sabriel"? Well, I started something similar with the first book of my favorite series (also by him) The Keys to the Kingdom: Mister Monday. I started it around the same time, three years ago. I think about a year ago I had typed up to, like, chapter five and a good fifty pages.

Jesus. Last night I pulled it out on my computer and transcribed, like, fifty more pages at least.

I feel cleansed. Inspiration to write something wasn't coming, so I think running Nix through my mind calmed me. It's prolly a collosal waste of time, but it's always good to prove again to myself how fast and unerringly I can type when I feel like it. XP

I dunno, it got me thinking about how my life is entering a new and overall happier stage. Something I've been working for and even dreaming about since I was twelve motherfucking years old. Is this it? as the Strokes sang. Yeah, I guess it is.

***

Anywho, I'm watching teh shirtless guys on the lower quad play Ultimate Frisbee which is hilarious.

Damn, the other day I did something I'm always careful not to do. I was brushing my teeth, and I could see through the shower door behind me in the mirror, where this guy was taking a shower. I suppose the idea that locker-rooms are totally gay-havens has some merit, but there's also a level of pure curiosity there. I wish my sides were as flat.

That said, I started doing some exercising each day, but I've fallen out of it the last several days. I made up this calendar on my door; I need to follow it! I'm also not taking enough showers--which, isn't necessarily falling off the wagon for me, but I'm staying at my baseline, which compared to most people, is kind of embarassing. I need to shower every day.

Basically, I need to take better care of myself, in general. It's hard sometimes. I only have so much cash left, and I don't know when I'll be able to cash my checks when I get them. Still need an ID. But I guess that's the part of finally becoming self-sufficient and learning to take care of these things. So if I want money, I'm sure I'll do it eventually. ;P (But of course, there's the other problem I won't mention; oh well, I always land on my feet...)

***

The point is: this weekend is alright, a little better than most. I guess when I get back to my room I'll do some crunches. XP

I'm sorry
Two words I always think
After you've gone
When I realize I was acting all wrong

So selfish
Two words that could describe
Oh actions of mine
When patience is in short supply

We don't need to say goodbye
We don't need to fight and cry
Oh we, we could hold each other tight tonight

We're so helpless
We're slaves to our impulses
We're afraid of our emotions
And no one knows where the shore is
We're divided by the ocean
And the only thing I know is
That the answer isn't for us
No the answer isn't for us

I'm sorry
Two words I always think
Oh after you've gone
When I realize I was acting all wrong

We don't need to say goodbye
We don't need to fight and cry
We, we could hold each other tight tonight
Tonight
Tonight
Tonight
Tonight...

And I'm still stressed. So far, it looks like I'm taking all the stresses of the old year into the new. Vassar app is due today, and I'm still struggling with the essay, which is ironically the last part I have to add before I can submit it. Oy vey...

I also have a ton of back work I need to work on this coming week... But by my birthday I'll have to turn in everything as that's the week teachers' grades are due, so within another week and a half it'll all be over for the semester, anyway... Still, that thought doesn't make me any less stressed or depressed...

I slept for 18 hours and straight from one year to the next, but actually, I'm making some resolutions right now (even though I'm constantly striving to change my bad habits):
1. Stop using ellipses like they're goddamned periods.
2. Stop procrastinating in every goddamned thing: school work, washing dishes, taking a shower, even frickin' getting out of bed. Just because you can put it off 'til later doesn't mean you shouldn't use the extra time to your advantage... (that was a thematically relevant ellipses this time! See? I'm changing!)

Also, stay more on top of LJ. But in the meantime, go and finish that essay and application, then come straight back here and tell them all how Christmas went! Snappy!

Yes, Ma'am!

(Don't you love it when you order yourself about?)