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andyleggett
15 June 2008 @ 09:40 am
457: Yesterday, I Had a Moment...  
Actually, two; the second one first:

So, in the midst of an otherwise so-so party down by the river, I took off, essentially, most of my clothes in the hopes of getting some sun. I don't know if I did, but one good thing is that I guess I'm mostly getting over the body-shame. (Of course, I wouldn't be saying this if I hadn't officially gotten to the point where I've kept off those twenty pounds).

My mother still thinks I'm fat and should lose thirty pounds... but she's just carelessly insensitive like that. While 150 sounds like a lovely weight, anything below that (I know) would be hella skinny. 160 would be a good weight, so I'm halfway to that...*shrug*

I had my other moment (appropriately enough) whilst on the treadmill that morning (yesterday):

So, I was thinking about write_away, and what I'm trying to get out of posting *any* of my work (however sporadically) to a community of, quite literally, strangers. I want to see how people (who don't know me, obviously) respond and criticize to my work, right? And maybe it's just the kinds of comments I get from this specific community... but I could've sworn I was better at taking it than this? I just have such instant knee-jerk reactions, and I would like to think that getting over these and attempting to (however begrudgingly) open my ears to what they're saying would help me get better...

So, that's why I was trying to shorten my sentences. I mean, I can't be attached to a specific style, right? But, then again, what *is* my voice? I know what it is, and I bristle somewhat at a recent comment that "stars, night, cold air... I've heard it all before". Maybe I need to work it better, but that IS my life, right? Well, more "trees, bare feet, cars"... Hm. I think I am still not quite to where I can write what I see, but I can ham it pretty well at this point...*le sigh*

What I really need is Eve, again. Some other people; like, what Erica was saying, we should start a Salon (of writers, not hairstylers.. though they would be welcome too! ^_^). At this point, I think, I can't take this kind of randomized criticism... I need to attach it to someone I can interact better with, otherwise, it just makes me feel like crap about my work...

Which is to say, I'm officially going back to the drawing-board with my work (I don't know yet if most of it was lost in transit... drafts exist from earlier, but we'll see if I can get them off the one floppy I managed to "save' them to...)

Basically, this is a segue to post this experiment (the folks on write_away liked the staccatoness of it, but I'm not entirely sure if that's my style; let me know what y'all think (if anyone comments, that is)):

 
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Moodswing flavor: reflective
Listening to: No One Will Know, Bella
 
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andyleggett
18 May 2008 @ 11:28 pm
447: Fun Times with Dykes...  

Me and Laura went to Long Beach for the Pride there, was very fun, took loads of pictures; hopefully I can get with Laura to e-mail them to meself so I can post some cuteness! ^_^

We hung out at her bandmate's house--it was dykealicious! ^_^ Soooo many lesbians, and so crazy and witty, I felt very much at home. But then I started coming down with this runny nose and fell asleep on the leather couch--I hope I'm not coming down with anything... But it was def, def, really good to get out to somewhere other than Whittier down here before I left, and it was pretty amazing...

I'm studying for my finals tomorrow (Philosophy and English), doing readings and stuff. I've done fairly well in these classes, so I'm feeling pretty confident about it. Excited about leaving in (squee!) twenty hours. Never ridden on the train before; I can't stop talking about being excited to go home and really Midtown it up.

I might not get to post again before I leave, so leave some love (aka comments)!

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Moodswing flavor: excited
 
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andyleggett
15 May 2008 @ 10:39 pm
445: Damn You, Jeph Jacques!  
Questionable Content's Hanners proves yet again why she's a OCD freak after my own heart:

I must admit, if anyone could held me overcome my anal squeamishness, it'd be a man who no doubt carries along twelve-types of douches on every date and would heartily approve of this video. 

ETA: Yeah, for some reason whenever I try and post a picture it comes out way too small, so here's the link so you can read it properly to get the joke. http://www.questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=1141
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Moodswing flavor: giggly
Listening to: I Get Around, Dragonette
 
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andyleggett
07 April 2008 @ 04:49 pm
410: And I Didn't Even Add the Bit About the Giggling...  

In light of my recent outage, and prolly because my LB found it so funny, and because of

[info]kitashla's recent story, I will now share what must rank as one of the most hilarious first-time stories ever.

Actually, it wasn't my first time, but technically the second. And it wasn't full on sex or anything, but just a handjob. But anyway, he did me one night, and several days later, I wanted to return the favor.

Well, I'm doing all right--this isn't far from what I'd do on myself, only reversed. Except, his was much more curved than mine, so I was having problems of grippage. And, well, I couldn't stop talking. And my wrist was getting sore, so I had to keep on swtiching hands. And then, being overly-ambitious as I am, I decided I'd try it in my mouth, too.

Only, I couldn't stop talking. Oh, and that gag reflex. So I would often come up, ask him how it was, and then my jaw would get sore, and I'd go back to the hand switchage. This was going alright, except he was so quiet! His eyes were closed, and there some little "mmm" expression going on here, but... I know it's not an excuse, but sometimes I get nervous and need to fill the silence.

And then, for some godawful reason, the motion I was doing started reminding me of that tune... you know, the circus type one, like the monkeys dancing in a circle? I don't know how to write it out, but it was pretty funny. Of course, funny does not always equal hawt, and I can't blame him for not... you know.

So, eventually, I was getting real tired, and I'd been at this 45 minutes, so I called it a night.

And that was the closest I've ever come to sex. Exciting, innit? XP

 

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andyleggett
07 April 2008 @ 08:10 am
409: Oh, and P.S. Mom...  

I'm gay.

I'm sure I'm the absolute last person on the planet to realize this, and maybe I'm being overly influenced by my new Lesbian hubbie, but it just seems like more fun than confusion. Also, it'll be funny to see my mother's reaction. Like whenever I say lesbian, and she gets all sniffly: "Why do you have to say things like that?" mopily, like a dog. She can be unintentionally funny like that sometimes.

Oh, I know, that's horrible! But, anywho, when I called my mom (finally!) I just had the overwhelming urge to be funny and try and cheer her up. It's sad to think she's still in the situation I've barely escaped. Oh, and apparently my sister is in jail... for her baby-daddy "beating on her". o.0 A very wtf moment until she gets back to me to clarify...

Oh, and as to the gayness? I'll try it out. I mean, I'm so frickin' flaming it's not even funny. Okay, it is; and fun. Maybe I am just a girl on the inside, but I guess I'm tired of being pissed when people assume it anyway, so why not play into their expectations and have a little fun?

And anyway, I'm still gonna work on myself personally before jumping into anything with anybody. And it's not like I have guys beating on my door or anything. Maybe this summer me and my sister can go check out the gay scene she's always hanging out in anyway... meanwhile, me and my LB can go to West Hollywood...

***

And now school is officially open again. It's weird to be out of Wanberg... this past week has felt like a whole separate year; I feel like I might have changed a little. (Well, *looks above*, OBVIOUSLY).

So, now, I need to focus on doing really well this last half of the semester and kicking ass and taking names (hopefully ones that start with the same letter as mine. ;))

Because I'm beginning to get a bad attitude about some people again... but hey! That first part of the post made me so happy, I just wanna be happy for as long as possible! ^_^

***

Oh, and now that I've spent the last week stuffing my head full of a semester's worth of Italiano, I need to brush up on my fracais before my first class with Chirol! Wish me luck! *dashes off*

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Moodswing flavor: happy
 
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andyleggett
02 April 2008 @ 03:34 pm
408: And Some More..  
[info]jeremytblack

(Actually, this post has nothing to do with him; I just wanna see if he automatically responds to every mention of his name... I know *I* sure as hell would).

Anywho, I am now going to attempt to be deep while some very weird sounds are going on behind me... don't even ask.

Last night, I came to a realization (actually, this has been coming in stages since I got here, but whatev): I need to grow up.

Now, this is not one of those, "Oh, Andy, grow up already!" sorts of things. Simply, I need to let go. I haven't let myself have fun and be happy--*really* happy--since I was, like, nine. Ever since I accepted my own mortality, I've been so *grim*, so focussed--but of course, I had shit to deal with. A LOT of shit to deal with, and I handled it the best I could.

Now, I need to actually heal. I need to actually come out of this shell and become an honest-to-god social being.

This has been precipitated, of course, by my recent fun times with my new Lesbian husband, Laura. I've never had such giddy, unadulterated fun with someone. I've seen other people doing it, and I've longed for it. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I can just be totally flaming around her without feeling self-conscious about it... it's like, well to say she "gets" me sounds weird. But yeah. Like, maybe it's just the bunking together in the basement, but I feel like I've found an honest-to-god friend I can hang-out with and maybe share stuff with, yanno?

I sound like such a valleygirl right now, I know. But I don't care. I need to have fun; I'll never grow up until I loosen up. Let stuff happen more organically. Start actually *enjoying* life. Let the stress go and start doing and stop worrying. *feels zen*

Yeah, I feel really zen right now, all of a sudden.
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Moodswing flavor: blissful
 
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andyleggett
03 March 2008 @ 03:30 pm
379:  

So, in Philosophy today, almost everything Switzer was summarizing about Kant's moral theory got me thinking about the altercation with Zach on Friday night... I wondered if he was feeling that, or if he does not feel any moral conundrum. In which case, Cat is right, and he *is* a fucktard.

Of particular relevance is what Kant says about the "dignity" of a person, as coming from our "good will", and that in deciding if something is moral, you ask if it is compromising the dignity of another--i.e. their worthiness to be happy.

Why I got so mad about it? I thought I was long past the point where someone could take my dignity from me--but it happens again and again and I'll have to change my approach towards protecting that, or otherwise not showing or letting others see that they *can*. Which is why my reaction was bad; just givin' ammunition.

I mean, it's not like he outright insulted me. Just letting me know that I'm succeeding in my aim: "When people first meet you, they think you're a girl." The part that bothers me is the one that came before: "There's so many ways/things I could make fun of you for." Pardon me? What got me angry was even the thought that this lame-ass motherfucker could *ever* think he was better than me.

Just a random musing. I'm less angry about it now, but I just wanted to look at why I got angry and how I could change my approach to this problem. Because my tone when I lashed back at him was exactly that I've used when flailing against my father. And we all know *that* never worked. So why do I feel so threatened?

Ah. Yes. Teh gay thing. The fact that these third floor punks apparently don't know what to make of me.

Of course, as Cat says, maybe they're just jealous, because I do "manage to hang out with so many girls". *shrug* It's open to interpretation. 

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Moodswing flavor: contemplative
Listening to: My Thief, Angie Hart
 
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andyleggett
20 February 2008 @ 10:35 pm
365: What Am I? or, A Rant  
So, after my previous post, I think this is a question I need to address.

I know, those of you who have said it before will repeat it: sexuality is a spectrum, gender ambiguity, blah and blah. These are good topics for the Gender Club, but there's a certain reality I've been struggling with.

Namely, if people don't ask me straight out if I'm gay, they just assume. And no matter what explanation I give, it seems like the guys at least, will still assume it. According to Matt, they're scared of me because they can't pigeon-holed me. I resist simple definition--so they have to react by making me safely gay.

But what is it in me that fights so strongly against being labeled such?

Easy. I've been labeled that way my whole life, regardless of what I thought about myself--that, and several other not nice adjectives, as well. I'm only now getting over believing those and perceiving myself in a way that is more honest. So do I then come to unbelieve the label of gay, or accept it?

A part of me thinks that that would be giving in, proving them right, and that somewhere they'd be shaking their heads in an "i-told-you-so" way that absolutely infuriates me. I want to choose for myself, y'know? (Which is why I'm a feminist, I guess, but that's a slightly different topic).

But what do I answer when people ask? I usually just say I'm girly, maybe slightly gender dysphoric. Maybe I'm gay. I do... look at men. But I never feel comfortable around the most manly of them, it seems. I always feel more at home with girls, prolly 'cause I was surrounded by them the most, always. Maybe it's Mommy-issues. :P

God! Do I want a guy to fuck me? The thought scares me. Do I want anybody to touch me, ever, in any way? I'm not sure. I don't flinch anymore, but I'm still not used to being touched. To being loved. To having my presence, not only recognized, but welcomed.

Yes, however it happened, I am individualistic to the extreme. This can be very lonely, but it can also be comforting. I'm always most comfortable, most like myself, when I'm alone. Like when I write; so this is me you're seeing, naked and unadorned.

What am I? I'm sure everyone has an opinion, but I think I'm gonna quote Nel (still reading "Sula") on this one: I'm ME. Not my parents child, not  anyone gay neighbor, not anyone's friend or lover or even that random kid on the street.

I'm ME. And no one can ever take that away from me. And in the end, that's all I have. And it's all I need.
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Moodswing flavor: reflective
 
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andyleggett
20 February 2008 @ 10:09 pm
364: The Pourquoi and Perche of the Gender Club  

To answer your question

[info]jeremytblack, The Gender Club is a club I'm trying to start at my college that essentially amalgamates the now-defunct Feminist and GLBT clubs. Of course, they were called different things back then, but it's all the same to us freshmen who have been going without any sort of community in that sense.

In fact--now that they've been dispersed to the wind, their visibility on campus has gone away, even if the presence is not. And that's really dire on a sports-obssessed campus such as ours. There's no blatant oppression or hate or anything--this is still California after all, and more than that, still the *coast*. (Now, if this were certain parts of the Central Valley, it'd be different...:P).

But I also didn't want to scare away the multitude of people who have bad impressions of feminism, and I wanted to extend it beyond that to issues of gender in general. *Try* and be more inclusive, y'know?

So, second meeting of that is tomorrow, and it looks like some more people'll show up. The process to becoming a club is quite complex, because not only do we need fifty signatures and a constitution, but also a "positive recommendation" from the InterClub Council, the president of whom is the mysterious Brian who I can no longer look in the eye. I doubt he would hold a grudge against my club 'cause of me, but then, I'm a paranoid coward. :P

 

THEN we'll see if we get approved by the Office of Student Activities and L'Institution en general. That *should* happen though, and there's definitely a wide audience for this, as a lot of people I'm talked to are interested. It's just a matter of calibrating people's crazy schedules... in other words, them remembering when the meeting is! XP

***

All that said, all y'all that have followed me since 2005 (and there's a few of you left, *eyes 

[info]copperwise in particular*)--did you think then I'd end up here? As some would-be leader in aiming to bring together feminists and gays and transexuals and whoever else is hiding up in the hills on campus?

 

Though I must admit, it was exciting to get to bring up the phrase "feminism is the radical notion that women are people" in conversation with real-life people. Not that I don't love you guys, but I wanna see what RL feminism is like, at least as it exists here. That's why I was so disappointed when I came here in September and I couldn't find them! That's why I'm starting the club.

That, and my floormates are scared of me apparently. *I'm* the resident gay, as it were. Fact is, I'm not even sure I'm gay, and *they're* the ones playing Shower Inspector and drawing huge, veiny masterpieces over everything. :P

The testosterone! I'm drowing in it! Oh noes! *waves arms dramatically*

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Moodswing flavor: determined
 
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andyleggett
12 February 2008 @ 06:09 pm
347: Various Random Observations...  

Do you ever think that somewhere, right now, someone is having sex?

Not just that, but someone you know RIGHT NOW is getting it on?

Or--not even *that*--but that *you* are already getting it on, and you didn't even know it?

***

Earlier, I couldn't get that song out of my head ("Don't Dream It's Over" by Sixpence None the Richer--or is it a cover?).

Now I can't get KT Turnstall's "False Alarm" out of my head. I seriously want her album, her shit is teh... well, *shit*.

Meanwhile, if I can get some blank CDs, Matt has promised me copies of Emilie Simon... huzzah for some songs a la francaise! ^_^

***

Yesterday, I was talking too much.

Today, I was talking just enough.

Tomorrow... who knows?

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Moodswing flavor: philosofickle
Listening to: see above
 
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andyleggett
06 February 2008 @ 05:48 pm
334: Andy's Ten Levels of Masculinity...  
Further proof that I think like a girl--enjoy. :P

From top to bottom...

1. BEAR: or, since when did I start dating Chewbacca?
2. EL MANN: or, since when did I start dating a walking hunk of testosterone?
3. MISOGYNIST: or, since when did I start dating someone who hates all my kind?
4. AWKWARD: or, since when did I start dating this macho poser?
5. COMFORTABLE: or, since when did my boyfriend become more comfortable in his sexuality than me?
6. OBLIVIOUS: or, since when did my boyfriend's masculinity become more important to me than him?
7. FEMINIST: or, since when did my boyfriend respect women more than me?
8. BISEXUAL: or, since when did my boyfriend become a bigger flirt with his friends than me?
9. EFFEMINATE: or, since when did my boyfriend become prettier than me?
10. GET THE OPERATION ALREADY: or, since when did I start dating a girl?


And now that you've read that, I present unto you a poll.

Poll #1134380 How Manly is Andy?
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All

Choose which one you think best applies to me.

View Answers

BEAR
0 (0.0%)

EL MANN
0 (0.0%)

MISOGYNIST
0 (0.0%)

AWKWARD
0 (0.0%)

COMFORTABLE
1 (25.0%)

OBLIVIOUS
0 (0.0%)

FEMINIST
0 (0.0%)

BISEXUAL
0 (0.0%)

EFFEMINATE
2 (50.0%)

GET THE OPERATION ALREADY
1 (25.0%)

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Moodswing flavor: beautiful
 
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andyleggett
11 October 2007 @ 08:51 pm
211: Hasty Explanation Turns Into Confused Rambling...  
It's interesting that I'm always eager to have people define me (read: hear an outside perspective on myself), and yet I hate being defined by other people. I suppose gender dysphoria or non-operative transsexual would be easy labels, but...

It's not me. If I don't know who I am, how can anyone else know, and see it so easily? Is it so obvious to everyone but me? I can feel myself changing, and think back to what [info]spoothbrushsaid. Does college really change you?

Does this even make logical sense? People often look at me in confusion, because they don't make the connections in the things I say, when it makes perfect sense in my head. Maybe my connections are just too creative and most people can't keep up? This post has too many questions...
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Lair location: GTE lab
Moodswing flavor: confused
Listening to: Say Anything, Dawson Wells
 
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andyleggett
11 October 2007 @ 08:33 pm
210: Apparently It is National Coming-Out Day...  

Nothing annoys me more than people telling me what I am, as if they know better than me, as if they can decide, not only what I am, but how I should view myself. This is mainly because this is exactly how my self-esteem (or should I say, lack of it) was formed throughout my childhood and early adolescence.

Everyone who has ever know me, it seems, assumes I am gay--or, if they get to know me better, hear me say that I am simply trying to act like a girl. In truth, I'm still unsure of who I am, or even what my sexuality is, but few things have come closer to defining how I feel than this essay by

[info]docbrite.

Only, in reverse, y'know? It sounds weird to say that I want a vagina, but... well, for instance, I was masturbating earlier, and I had this distinct fantasy of me being the one fucked--not as a boy (in the asshole, I should say), but... I dunno. This is just weird. Apparently I am weird.

This is just one of many reasons I've been dangerously close to crying lately.

 

 

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Lair location: GTE lab
Moodswing flavor: depressed
Listening to: Juniper, Adrian Bourgeois
 
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andyleggett
20 September 2007 @ 02:23 pm
186: Random Activities (and Ray Bradbury)  
I get all these e-mails about my [info]unwomanstation from Pandora, but it's been so long since I've been able to listen to music on the internet. The great thing about working in the language lab is that all the computers have headphones, so right now I'm listening to an acoustic version of "Envy".

So, today, this Megan girl showed/told me what it is I'm supposed to be doing, so I feel slightly less awkward/incompetent. She has the vestiges of an Australian and/or New Zealand accent, which intrigues me. I suppose she's been in Southern California a while, so it's weird to hear her voice fluctuate between accents. I suppose we find other accents thicker or musical, but our own to be very flat. Is familiarity more ugly to us? Hm. *chews*

At any rate, I suppose you all want to hear about Ray Bradbury? Apparently, we're having a lot of really cool people come to speak. I missed Al Young and Dave Eggers already, but I hope I redeemed myself slightly with this.

In my personal opinion, he seemed pretty good for 87. I almost wanted to ask if indeed he *would* 'live forever!'. Ironically, I've never actually read any of his stuff, but now I want to. I've heard a lot about him and his stuff, obviously, but I didn't know a lot about his career before last night. For instance, I didn't know he wrote poems and plays...

It was a great speech. He talked about all his 'loves', and it reminded me somewhat of my own graduation speech, in that he urged us to not listen to other people and to do what we really wanted to do, to 'follow your loves'. The campus newspaper ("Quaker Campus") is gonna do a review of it, apparently, so maybe I'll hook you up on that for a better summary...

I missed Ballroom Dance club (and Salsa!) for this, mostly because I was convinced to go by these sexy upperclassmen I'm hanging out with now. Apparently the guy's only done two events this year, this being one and the other Comicon (did I spell that right?). Actually, a great deal of the time I found myself wanting to lick Chris,who was right next to me. What is ironic is that I now know two Chris's, both of whom are incredibly sexy.

Actually, I told this Chris so, yelling after him (right in front of Brian's open door) that I wanted to lick him all over. He seems very cool, because he took it as a compliment. XP Then, after I got back to Stauffer, Chris told me something very shocking (to me, at least), but I promised not to say anything. I doubt anyone at Whittier reads this, but just in case, I don't want to become a total blabbermouth!

I'm getting squeeful. That's because I'm approaching what I did with Brian last night, but new post for that...;P
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Lair location: GTE lab
Moodswing flavor: ditzy
Listening to: Envy, Unwoman
 
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andyleggett
03 December 2006 @ 11:12 am
60: Andy has dirty thoughts...  

I just had a dream that 

[info]copperwise was in. I was in Portland (occassionally in my dreams I will somehow take a bus which deposits me in the next major metropolitan area over), and I was stealing her Halloween candy, and had just hidden it in my backpack just as she came out and greeted me. I'm sure [info]copperwise doesn't look like that--there was also this really bizarre sexual tension/conversation. I'm sure in real life [info]copperwise would've hugged me right away instead of interrogating me on my masturbatory habits...o_0

This is all [info]ellizen's fault, of course, as he is constantly encouraging me to masturbate...several times a day. It has gotten to the point where the picture of him that has been my desktop (the one where he's wearing a collar) seems to be saying to me, "Masturbate, Andy! Masturbate now!" Needless to say, this is quite frightening. So, now that I have pictures of Nick Hartkopf (SQUEE!), he is now my desktop. It makes me happy:

Yes, this is the guy I have the HUGE crush on, but who I'd rather die before admitting it to. Because, yes, he has a girlfriend, and I'm just being...*flaps hands* At any rate, hopefully the blonde guy won't have as bad an influence on me as the redhead. :P

 

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Moodswing flavor: horny
 
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