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20 April 2010 @ 07:09 am
I haven't updated this in forever. You can blame twitter. And facebook. And another bout of sickness, depression, generally sabotaging my academic career and oh... just life and its usual travails. IN good news, I am going to France (finally), in the fall. That is, if I don't just fuck it all up... yeah, bad mood lately.

To update: me and Danny decided to break it off (though he's still my good Berkeley friend) so I could pursue Curtis, but that didn't work out (he was too clingy)...It lasted a month, ending around the end of 2009, I believe...

So how has 2010 been treating me? Guuurrrll, don't even get me started. Or maybe you will. Maybe I'll return to this journal. For a bit, anyway. I'm sure most of you have wandered off, but I guess I keep popping back in, not ready to give up the investment... and twitter, obssessed as I am with it, is too short-form; sometimes you want the long-form, even if less people see it...
17 November 2009 @ 01:43 am
Except I know it's gonna run out soon. I need a job...*le sigh*

Anywhose! Last five days in Berkeley with my lover, the 44 year old Jew in a wheelchair. Sweetest man in the world; I had a magical time. :)
It's weird to be, for essentially the first time, in love, with someone who returns it. The kinda sweet, safe love where you could just as easily be friends as lovers... but you just wanna be with each other, and that makes you happy, without having to put a name on it. *sighs happily*

Anywhose, everyone's telling me how amazing, funny and beautiful I am lately, it's quite shocking. And I feel the need to tell these unappreciated boyz how sexy they are. It's like, everyone spends their time oogling the pretty boyz, but there's all these sexy motherfuckahs out in the world! I can't even stand it...

Anywhose: I loved visiting the Bay, for the first time, protractedly, really. Berkeley has this really laid-back atmosphere and way too much good food. I also found the collection of a Poet who teaches at my school in this used bookstore there... thought that was cool. (Joshua McKinney is his name, by the way...)

I need to visit LA soon, but that prolly won't be till January... I think I'll be going back to Berkeley after the semester is over, so in another month. Yikes! Gotta get my ass in gear... I've not been the best student this semester. :-x

But I have a date with the cuddle puppy, Curtis of Yuba City, this Friday. We are going to the drive-ins. :) He's even younger than I am! 18 and a senior in high school. Talk about one extreme of age to the other. lolz

In case this is confusing to you, me and Danny have an open relationship. :P In fact, me and Danny are pretty similar in this case: it's not that we can't see ourselves being monogamous, it's just that we're not the jealous types. And I think Curtis is cool with it... mostly. He's just so shy and bashful and I'm so... not. Anymore, at least...*scratches head at the way he has changed*

I really should try and update more, so... yeah. That's all for now.
Listening to: Easy, Dragonette
05 November 2009 @ 08:02 pm
"Pumpkin" in this week's Sacramento New & Review: http://www.newsreview.com/sacramento/content?oid=1313376

For those of you not in the know, SN&R is the single-most influential publication on the local scene, so this is by far my widest exposure. Huzzahs!
29 October 2009 @ 08:38 pm
Past week has been much frenzied strumming as I have (finally) been trying to learn the guitar... so finally learning music, which is super exciting. Second solo is this monday, will post a video when that comes.
Tomorrow is mother's birthday, making cookies and Aunt is bringing the Bailey's...joy. Then that night is a show with Adrian Bourgeois & Autumn Sky at Luna's. Will be sure to also get sister to take a picture of my Russian hooker outfit.
Getting my finaid check (finally!) either Saturday or Monday... it's getting mailed.
That's all for now...
Listening to: Runs in the Family, Amanda Palmer
23 October 2009 @ 07:28 am
Singing "Mon amie la rose" for my voice class. Originally a Francoise Hardy song from the '60's... there's Shaun teh Aussie playin' me guitare.

23 October 2009 @ 07:03 am
Thanks to szandra , kitashla , spoothbrush , copperwise , jeremyblack , drwakostthedark ,
crossthebar , unwoman , and others for reminding me why I used to spend so much time on LJ in aeons past... I love you guys.

So, new goal: not gonna worry so much about backtracking; Twitter has taught me the value of posting my current thoughts, so we'll only backtrack as necessary, 'kays? 'Kays. :)
Moodswing flavor: lovedloved
Listening to: My Wife, Lost in the Wild, Beirut
23 October 2009 @ 06:50 am
I have abandoned LJ. Not sure whether I'll delete or not...*shrug*
22 August 2009 @ 01:22 am
Well, this journal, obviously. But also, that's just been the story of my life this summer.

Job front: utter fail. Well, better than the summer after high school. Then, I was still too overwhelmed to really try. This summer, I just didn't have enough strength after a totally burnt-out crashing-and-burning semester to keep it up... and I gave up.

Then, when I had teh chance to do something productive and volunteer at the festival... for some reason when I get to the door, I freak out. Why? Because it could've been awesome? It's just too scary and  I hate this sense of free-falling? I think he was right and I *do* need professional help... I feel so depressed tonight.

I guess the main reason is this financial aid issue--which is partly my fault. I turned in all the paperwork by the last deadline (July 17th), and they said it should go through in six to eight weeks, which would've been in time for the payment deadline of September 11th. Only, now they've added another two weeks on that and telling me I need to make payment plan arrangements...

Only: if you have financial aid, you can't do the payment plan. o.0

And now my sister is refusing to cosign another loan with me... for some reason? I mean, she signed 'em the last two years, and it's not like I'm planning on defaulting on *my* loans. *rolls eyes*

Whatever... so now I need to somehow come up with however much money... 1000, 2000? something like that.

Hopefully I can figure it out, one way of another. I'll go back on Monday and talk to a counselor or something and see what options are actually *available* to me, if any. *throws up hands*

The ironic thing is, there's a *slim* possiblity it could work out? 8-10 weeks means the soonest it would go through is just before the deadline; the latest would be right after. So it could go either way? I don't even know...

And if I had sent my fafsa to them when I submitted my application, instead of after I knew I was accepted, this wouldn't even be a problem. So, I'm slightly retarded and paying for it now. Literally.

And now that my frustration is out, I still feel somewhat depressed. I guess, if this can just work out and I can go to Sac State without issue, I feel like everything will be fine, I just want it to work out and move on with my life and try and put the last six to nine months* behind me, y'know?

*I think I will try to get you updated properly on this summer--has been odd.
Moodswing flavor: depresseddepressed
30 July 2009 @ 02:00 am
What's that you say, KKK? WIFE POWER?!
Moodswing flavor: impressedimpressed
27 July 2009 @ 10:31 pm
I am half way done with your book and have to admit that it is quite wonderful! Honestly I wasn't expecting someone your age to be soo good. I'm so glad that I was proven wrong because now I can give you an authentic compliment and honestly say you are very talented! HUZZAH! What an accomplishment!"

He's a very talented local painter I sent the book off to. Here's hoping his opinion is shared by other literary-minded higher ups and I can get published! :D
Moodswing flavor: ecstaticecstatic
17 July 2009 @ 09:47 pm

Fool that I am, I just can't let go--
I sit here, phone pressed against my ear,
listening to your voice again and again,
remembering the deep sadness of your eyes.

I sit here, phone pressed against my ear,
wishing to rectify things beyond my control,
remembering the deep sadness of your eyes
and how I was starting to fall in love with you,

wishing to rectify things beyond my control
by hiding things I was never capable of hiding.
And how I was starting to fall in love with you...
No, I need to forget about such things. But

by hiding things I was never capable of hiding,
I feel that I gave up everything I shouldn't have.
No, I need to forget about such things. But
every time I listen to your voice on this message,

I feel that I gave up everything I shouldn't have.
I have saved this ever since last summer, but
every time I listen to your voice on this message
I can't decide whether to laugh or cry. It's all

so cliche, I know, but I miss you, I do. And
listening to your voice again and again,
I don't know what I could have done differently.
Fool that I am, I just can't let go.

Moodswing flavor: apologetic
15 July 2009 @ 01:22 am
Can I call myself a writer yet? I mean, I seriously wrote a book, didn't I? I still can't believe it... I finally finished the motherfucker. (And I can tell you with 100% certainty I'm not gonna swallow my words this time either... major rewrites are done. Any comments I get, well, that's final touches level, as far as I'm concerned...)

So I'm now in what matociquala  calls post-book ennui. But it's more like the opposite of ennui, for me, actually: I've never felt more inspired or bursting with ideas... and more mentally incapable to writing them. Seriously, one part of me is dying to write all this shit now that I'm on a roll; the other is sick to death of spitting out words aboot itself.

So, I'm taking breakage. And using this time, instead, to do some research--'cause the next, and intimidating and maybe even harder, part of writership is upon me: how the fuck to get this thing published. I'm not deluded; this will prolly take a while. I will update you upon my travels trying to figure this out... (I smell yet another Zyzzyva rejection coming on...lol).

Meanwhile, other activities to keep me busy are in the works, but I am feeling mysterious and shall make y'all wait for that... if anyone's even reading this, lol. Sorry aboot the whininess on this point of my last post; sometimes I just feel like I've lost all my readers on here and I'm not the kinda writer who gets off on writing to myself (that's why I could never keep a diary). I want people to *read* what I write, essentially... which is why doing newspaper work was always so intresting... had tribulations galore, but a great experience in that realm, nonetheless.

(Oh, and if anyone I haven't sent it to yet wants to see the book, don't hesitate to ask...;))

14 July 2009 @ 09:44 am
I've been misnumbering my posts in the 400's (instead of the 500's) since January... XD Also trying to update my profile information, as I haven't since 2006...:-x

So, trying to get back into LJ... distracted by twitter, and life in general, but I miss the long-form ranting. :) Also: all y'all. Loves!

And, come on, got more people reading my book from facebook than here... a crime, I say! ;_;

I dunno... I guess I just need to keep the regular up and some kinda discipline. Here's to it! *clinks self in head*
Tags: , ,
14 July 2009 @ 07:34 am
I wrote a poem once called "Mondays"--one of those throwaway poems that don't end up going anywhere, that I mostly do to remind myself I don't suck--but yesterday was nothing like that poem. Except for maybe the bright sun. *inspects one shoulder, redder than the other*

Yesterday was officially get-shit-done day: at nine, got on the bus up to American River, to get transcripts for Italian class I took back in '06. $10 got me the transcripts right then, so I hit Choices on my way back down to Sac State to pick up my high school transcripts. Very delighted to get the last of my documents in for the transfer.

On the way, I tried to hit some thrift stores to apply at: things didn't start out too hot--ironic, considering the sun, I know: saw the Goodwill truck outside the old Tower Records building where they currently in the midst of constructing the new Goodwill. There was a random guy and some boxes who nodded at me, and I figured I'd ask the people at the Goodwill at Arden aboot working there instead of him. Also, I was dehydrated.

Just as I walked into the St. Vincent de Paul's a block down at Butano, though, this woman was having some kind of loud collapsing fit. So I covertly checked out the kinda people who work there--oddly, it's all women, which you would think wouldn't be a bad thing. I dunno, the thrift store's pretty cool, and you get nice old people in there, regulars I suppose, but the atmosphere seemed a little off-puttingly saccharine...?

Then again, the employees at the Arden Goodwill seemed very dour in comparison. haha But I got a number and a name to call for the new Goodwill, so hopefully getting on the bandwagon before it opens is soon enough to have a shot. One would think  that after the article in the Bee aboot it opening many people would've fallen over it, times being desparate... but honestly, not many people of working age read the Bee anymore. XP

Meanwhile, on the way to the Goodwill, I had two severe disappointments: first, Crossroad didn't want my purple converse. I guess they were just slightly too worn (*is embarassed*), and they have way too many men's shoes right now. Blech. I'm aboot to start advertising on bulletin boards, maybe then I could sucker someone into $20 on 'em...haha

Also, apparently, the WEAVE is closed on Mondays. DX Going up there again today, hopefully the parttime position hasn't been filled yet... that would be pretty sweet if I could get it. That's a really nice thrift store. Also, my not-so-inner feminist is jumping at the chance to work at a place affiliated with Women's Shelters.

Meanwhile, I also have to nettle this guy aboot volunteering at his film festival... maybe he'll let me be their bitch! :D (I missed out on the French Film Festival, so I wanna get *some* kinda festival action this summer, even if I don't get to see any films...:-/)

Yes, my back and legs hurt like hell and I conked out early yesterday. XP Tonight I'm trying to get out to Citrus Heights for that Girl in a Coma show and meet David--we'll see if that works out for me! Cross your fingers!
Moodswing flavor: productiveproductive
13 July 2009 @ 08:14 am
So, I had a moment of extreme depression in the library bathroom at the Hayward campus. Seriously seedy dude... so I got the hell outta dodge, so to speak.

Hayward, I have to say, is much like that campus of CSU East Bay: you got roads meandering up into the hills bein' all boonie-licious (I think I almost got lynched by some hicks before I turned around) and then ghetto-licious (saw a black girl with the COOLEST purple pants... I think I have a pair of shorts like them I got from DD's Discounts...). Along the way there was, admittedly, some coolness: two Indian restaurants in as many blocks is a plus. And the buildings at Hayward are kinda cool--built in a ring so you enter one door, keep on going straight and it'll bring you around another door which is directly behind where you came in. So one floor of the library is *very* easy to get lost in. lol

But yeah: what passes for a downtown in Hayward could fit inside a large mall. There's a movie theatre and a Peet's... and a thrift store up the way. That's aboot it (and I'm surprised the Peet's was even there). The Greyhound station is, quite literally, a shack on the corner, easily out-massed by the BART station across the way. There *was* a Blue's festival going on around City Hall and I met this funny black lady ranting against the high-cost of their beers... she'd rather bring her own bottle of Brandy. I vocalized my approval of her hardcore style.

Mike ended up picking me up, though, so it wasn't so bad. I just have a bad attitude and wanted to get the fuck out (I was freaking out over just being there all alone in a strange town--though not as bad as I would've before. I guess I've done the trip between Sac and LA enough that I knew I'd get home *eventually*...). I guess I just had a bad afternoon, what with the seediness of almost hooking up in a bathroom and wandering a boonie-ghetto town I didn't much care for. Much ranting ensued on the drive home to Mike who, misunderstanding me, left his family's before he got dinner. *teardrop* But he's a good friend to me...*pets him*

At any rate, it turns out I could've taken the test in Sac, if they'd but the date up more than a few days before the registration deadline. XP Well, results get back Aug. 10th and then I can register. huzzah

Okay, so plan for today: bussing it up to AR, to arrange for transcripts, then hitting my old highschool either there or back, and while I"m in the area, hitting up some thrift stores (to see if I can apply). Most of the thrift stores I'm thinking of hitting are around where my high school is--St. Vincent de Paul's at Country Club, Goodwill, WEAVE and Crossroad's along Arden. So it should be a busy day!

Then, tonight, is Adrian's show at Java Lounge--should be fun! I'm pimping it out to as many people as possible...;)

Okay, catch y'all laters...

Moodswing flavor: productiveproductive
Listening to: Bulletproof, La Roux
11 July 2009 @ 01:45 pm
Well, the test went... alright. Not as bad as feared, slightly better than expected. I bombed anything having to do with graphs, equations more complicated than simple algebra/geometry, etc. But there were a surprising number of ones I didn't have to guess on...haha

At any rate, I'm not exactly sure what I'm gonna do at this point. The most reasonable plan is to take my twenty and go get on the Greyhound home, hopefully to make it back in time for Second Saturday. Or I could wait for Mike for aboot seven to eight hours. haha

I think I'm hooking up with this guy who lives here in Hayward... he's a blonde bear. A blondie bear. Heh.

I doubt I'd be able to get a ride out of *him*... but maybe I can get him to drop me off at the Greyhound so I don't have to wander the streets of a strange town, lol. (Hayward seems like kinda a boonie town, just the littlest bit, this school is up in some hills and the main streets are kinda industrial. Not really optimal for walkage.)

In other news, it seems I might have met a new gay guy to hang out with; he just moved back to Sac too, going to American River College (him and everyone else's mama...XP), looking to find the sites. And you know I got the ticket, when it comes to seeing sights in Sac. ;P

Still haven't managed to meet up with the *really* cute blonde who I am currently obssessed with... might hook up with the black ex-pornstar again. Maybe.

And then there's all the other cute boiz floating around, potentials for affairs waiting to be tapped... wait and see.
Lair location: Hayward, CA
Moodswing flavor: uncertain
11 July 2009 @ 05:31 am
So I can take this frickin' math test and register for classes! Oh, and Monday I need to go to ARC and get my transcripts for the ONE class I took there forwarded.. and I guess Sac State needs a more official high school transcript than the one I gave them, so I need to stop by Choices while I'm out that way too (will prolly hit St. Vincent de Paul's and the Arden thrift stores, resumes in hand...haha).

Mike said he'd give me a ride there (as he's visiting family anyways), but wouldn't be able to give me a ride back till 9 or 10 that night--which would mean hanging around for nine hours. SO I'm a prolly take the greyhound...unless I find something (or someone) to do in Hayward. In which case, it might work out.

Though, IF I take the Greyhound back, I would arrive just in time for Second Saturday, downtown in the thick of it as it were...:) Hm, decisions, decisions...

Things I'm taking with me: The Hours (Michael Cunningham), Complete Poems of Elizabeth Bishop, notebook--so I may end up writing, who knows? I also realized a line this morning that I want to insert into "Fake Stars"... but I'ma save that for the second go-arounds.

Oh, and sorry to anyone if the book doesn't open up as a word doc... I saved it as an .rtf.
10 July 2009 @ 04:16 pm
"Images Seen Through a Passing Car Window". 31 poems. 80 pages. 6000 words. Four years of work. Finally FINISHED.

Who wants to read it?

(And yes, Butterfly Boucher is officially the soundtrack for this book...)
Moodswing flavor: exhaustedexhausted
Listening to: A Beautiful Book, Butterfly Boucher
09 July 2009 @ 09:58 am
So, when I woke up, decided "Perspective" needed a slight rehauling--relining (shorter lines) and a new, better ending. Even bigger reconstructing going on with "Suburban Music" which more closely resembles what I wanted in the first place. Similar things happening with section IV. on the title poem ("Images Seen Through a Passing Car Window") to make it more satisfactory and amazing.

Also streamlined "Study of an Amphibian" (one of the oldest poems) and relined most of "Three Views of Snails", with a rewrite on the second section. THAT poem is now officially awesome and I'm very proud of it. ("University of Birds", though, is gonna need a TOTAL rehaul, I've decided... it'll be awesome in the end, but that's the main hurdle left...)

Well, that, and I also decided, finally, that "Stationary" *would* work better as a poem and would, especially for the purposes of this collection, serve to fill in a big hole (as I also decided to delete "Labor Day"--can't touch upon all the stuff with my mom in this book, just can't do it...). That poem will also be awesome... but I have to write it, first. XP

So those two poems are officially the final hurdles... all the rest now fully satisfy me. I don't think I'll get to them today, though; I'll let Friday be a good day for work. Right now I'm filling out the finaid documents so I can turn them in today; then I'm heading over to Arden to see aboot applying at WEAVE and/or Goodwill and possibly hitting Crossroads to hock these purple converse, finally.

Oh, and I'm meeting a cute boi for coffee around noon... so I'll be sure to let you know how that goes. ;)

P.S. (And yes, Butterfly Boucher *is* becoming the soundtrack of my life lately...ahaha)
Moodswing flavor: excitedexcited
Listening to: Busy, Butterfly Boucher
--that even when I wake up in the morning sometimes, I'm up 24 hours and I get back to the waking up at midnight thing, lol.

But TODAY, I have managed to get through most of the day and perhaps shall even survive till dusk... we shall see...

Yeah, poetry been keepin' me awake: I went back and wrote (from memory, so thus changed and BETTER this time) "My First Memory" and "Labor Day"... and total rewrites on "Fake Stars". This, in addition to the rewrite of "Streetside Elegy" and writing the last two sections on "Three Views of a Snail". It's been a productive day for sure...

SO: I think "Labor Day" wants another rewrite, to tie into the collection better (more cars, less of my mother's random stories--that's for a different book). And "University of Birds" needs a rehaul too. After that, I should be done!
Moodswing flavor: delerious
Listening to: Another White Dash, Butterfly Boucher
08 July 2009 @ 10:50 am
So, as y'all know, June was entirely a bust, but July is shaping out to be quite productive indeed... Just came back from Sac State; made a copy of my mother's tax return and printed out various other finaid forms we both have to fill out, apparently (verification shit)... and believe me, it was a bitch digging out my mother's tax return to begin with. *sigh*

Good news, though!: Whittier transcripts are officially sent...
Bad news is they also want my ARC ones, for that one Italian class...DX Well, requested those, but not sure how quickly they'll get sent (due date for all paperwork is the 17th...).

Okay, gotta call Choices aboot high school transcripts... and when I go int to give them the finaid forms, I should ask whether they actually want my SAT scores sent as well, because I don't see it among the thing listed that they want on my account, but it *is* on the information. (Or did my printout count as a copy? I wouldn't think so, as it said unofficial all over it...lol)

Yes, still too lazy and/or tired at this point to be walking up Fulton. THOUGH I did just learn WEAVE (the thrift store whose proceeds go to women's shelters) is hiring--SO, TWO reasons to go out that way (Weave is on Arden down from Crossroads...). The Goodwill's also along there too, haha! So that's, like, three places to hit up, and it's not really that far (like a two mile walk...).

Well, maybe tomorrow... I keep on thinking today is Thursday for some reason, haha. Still need to work on getting a ride to Hayward: sugar daddies, why do you insist on failing me?!
Moodswing flavor: busybusy
Listening to: Can You See the Lights?, Butterfly Boucher
Three more poems to do, "University of Birds" and total rewrites of "My First Memory" and "Labor Day"... Jesus. Okay, it should be getting real close now, but I prolly won't get back to Sac State till tomorrow, right now I'ma try to take a nap and then later, get to Crossroads and junk... and take a break from the constant twittering I've been doing on the poem-by-poem progress. haha zzzzzz

Moodswing flavor: productiveproductive
08 July 2009 @ 02:52 am
This is quite officially the last leg of the tour... at least until after I get people to start reading it. Then I might get comments and junk that'll convince me to change things, buy right now I'm just working to make it the best book it can be...

On that note, deleted two poems that I wasn't satisfied with, at least for the purposes of this collection, and reinserted the old poems I'd previously deleted... along with some oldies I thought *weren't* gonna be in here. But I'm reworking them to be better, 'cause they support the theme.

So that means 30 verses of deliciousness--yay! :D

Went to Sac State yesterday morning, finally able to start putting these poems in a word file again (over the past year of not having a computer, I've been working out of google documents on my gmail)... thinkings started smoothing out nicely. It's so much different seeing them on the page like that, and it's really helping me visualize this better, as far as final revisions and ordering goes.

In other news, working feverishly to get all my documents to Sac State--final transcripts, financial aid stuff, etc.. My ride bailed on me for this Saturday, so I need to find someone to drive me to Hayward so I can take that damn math test and finally be able to register! (Oh, and I haven't even asked aboot housing yet... when I go in to ask them aboot the finaid docs, mebbe?)

I will just feel much less stressed when this is all settled in stone... oh, and if I had money/a job. haha I still need to get over to Goodwill--that's where I *really* wanna work. Oh, and to Crossroads, still, to hock these shoes... I think tomorrow will be a big walking day, as it's going to be relatively cool...

Oh, also working on Best Music Videos of 2007 list, and revised the one for 2008 so they both have 20 now... that'll be a big lovely post for y'all. :)
Moodswing flavor: productiveproductive
Listening to: A Walk Outside, Butterfly Boucher
07 July 2009 @ 07:08 am
I've been trying all through the early morning hours to write the next two parts of this poem... but the process is gonna go as fast as it's subject (snails). The first section came out really well, with the inspiration of a really great first line ("this is how we discovered death"). Strangely, it wants to become one of the most autobiographical poems going into this book... outside of the poems aboot people, most of these poems are actually turned outward in subject, if internal in tone.

So, I guess I need to go out and do stuff and wait for inspiration to strike again...*le sigh* Well, I have to go to Sac State and work on putting all this shit into a word document, even if this last poem is incomplete. And I have to get together my transcripts (which I should've done ages ago, but oh well...).

Um, gonna try and get to Crossroads today, too, if I can, to see if I can hock those shoes. I would try craig's list again, but that didn't turn up results either time I did it. Anyone here have any advice for a kid trying to sell some purple converse? :P
Moodswing flavor: frustratedfrustrated
07 July 2009 @ 02:02 am
--just checking who all is still following me, what with my sporadicness...

Who would be interested in seeing a list I compiled of Best Music Videos of 2008?